Today, I climbed a mountain with my host family in The Cantal region of France. As we made our way to the summit, my host mom shared with me the names of the different things that we saw; trees, old barns, etc. and I tried to repeat them in the best pronunciation I could muster. We laughed together at my trials and errors and celebrated my successes. I was feeling deeply frustrated with myself, though. Why can’t I just pick up French immediately?
Nothing can prepare you for a language barrier. I feel like there is a glass wall between me and everyone else. I watch from the outside, all of these beautiful conversations and wish that I could join in. I feel like an infant. Even those who speak a bit of English will always be able to express themselves better in their native tongue. I feel like I am very close to connecting with everyone but I am just missing that one last, very important piece. It’s like a puzzle.
On walks, I keep my head down and say only “bonjour” when I pass people, hoping they do not engage in any further conversation. I silently plead that no one asks me any questions.
I shared these feelings over FaceTime with my best friend and asked her if she felt the same about language when she studied abroad in Italy. “Yes, but I had a community [of American students] who were experiencing the same things and you don’t have that. You’re alone. That has to be more isolating.” She told me.
It is indeed very isolating. It’s also exhausting. When people say things to me, I have to repeat them to myself in slow motion to understand what they are asking me. On top of learning a new language, I am also learning a new city and country along with all of its inhabitants and their cultural differences. At night, I want to collapse into bed but there’s also the jet lag that, no matter how early I wake up, does not seem to go away.
I am finding myself to be very impatient in this learning process. I have always been the kind of person who wants to be good at something right away and french is no exception to the rule. During the days, when I am not writing, I am practicing my French. I work online, using babble.com or in my notebook, where I keep a log of different, common expressions and exactly how to pronounce all of them.
On Saturday night, my host parents went on an overnight trip to the mountains. The girls are understanding that I do not speak a lot of french and are reveling in the fact that they get to be my teachers for a bit. During the afternoon that I spent with them, I felt calm and peaceful, and confident in my abilities. Later in the afternoon, their friends—2 boys—came to join us for the evening, along with their babysitter, Nina, who would be helping me out. The house was chaos and there was so much miscommunication and frustration between all of us. It is impossible to instruct 3 and 5-year-olds as it is but even more so when you do not speak the same language. For the most part, I made them keep the chaos outside which helped. I also downloaded a speak and translate app that they thought was hilarious but that I think we all found to be a relief.
Once we had wrangled all of the children into bed, read them their stories, and cleaned up dinner Nina and I sat on the couch. Earlier, while cleaning, she shared with me that she has some English but that it is terrible. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her typing something into Google Translate on the opposite end of the sofa. Once she had finished, she tapped me on the shoulder. For the following two hours, we continued to use Google Translate to communicate. It was a very unique experience and one that I will not forget. At the end of our conversation, she told me, “I don’t like driving at night but it will be worth it because I got to meet you. Google Translate is magic!” Pronouncing “magic” as “ma-jeek”.
During our conversation, she asked me to come and meet her horse at the stables and to go riding with her, along with asking if we could go to the cinema together. I feel so relieved to have already made a friend. The communication will be “très difficile” but if we can outlast a language barrier then we have a very solid foundation for friendship. If anything, it is a very big motivator to learn French.
In the kitchen, before lunch with my host family’s friends on Sunday afternoon, I shared with someone that I was very scared to start using my French. “I really don’t want to mess up,” I told her.
She laughed and shared a story about a year that she spent working as a French teacher in Ireland. “You have to drink,” she said.
I stared at her, a small smile on my face.
“No really,” she said. “When I was in Ireland I was so afraid to use my English. I held it so close to my chest but after a few pints of Guinness at the bar, I was speaking English like it was nothing!”
I laughed but I felt so relieved by this. It will be okay. I am impressed by how far my pronunciation, vocabulary, and understanding have come in one week. So I don’t learn French in one week? Imagine me in one month or one year! I will overcome this obstacle but it is very hard to see an end right now.
In the evenings, when I am alone, I start to feel sad. In my bed, I toss and turn and think of all of the things I miss about America. I even started having dreams about stealing people’s boyfriends which I thought was very strange. When I looked it up though, it said that I miss being a part of a community and that having a sense of belonging makes me thrive. The dreams continue and I assume they will only stop when I have that sense back.
I do feel loved here though, by the girls and their parents and even their family friends. I will create a beautiful community here and I will learn french. I will come out of this better for having been challenged so fiercely in the beginning. This will be hard for quite some time but eventually, it will get easier and become second nature for me. C’est la vie as the French say.
Yes yes yes! GAH.... I'm reliving everything from my experience abroad through your fresh eyes. The beginning is exhausting - your brain literally hurts. But you'll find all the ways that humans communicate without words, and then the words will come. Like you, words and language are a huge part of who I am as a person, so not being able to use them was a big identity blow. You'll get there. This is so amazing!
Hugs! You will get there! I know it’s hard to be patient, but unfortunately there isn’t a switch to flip that makes you instantly know a language, as handy as that would be! A coworker once told me she didn’t become fluent in English until she started thinking in English. And I understand the wanting to speak perfectly…I would do the same! But do you always speak English perfectly? Of course not. Everyone knows you’re learning, and will be understanding. My French teacher always told us if we went to France, just try to speak French. As long as you try, people will be understanding. Je t'adore!